"Platform kramaank chaar par aane waali dheemi local, sabhi sthanakon par rukegi. Soochna samapt."

Probably, the most irritating few seconds of being at a Railway platform, unless of course you're boarding from Dadar!

So here's giving our Railway stations, a chance to express a 'whats on your mind' :

 KHARGHAR : STILL WAITING FOR THE AIRPORT

VILE PARLE - WE STILL SMELL OF BISCUITS!

POWAI - OF HIRANANDANI, IIT AND HIGHRISES! 

SANDHURST ROAD - STILL WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO PRONOUNCE ME RIGHT :(

GRANT ROAD - WE'RE KNOWN FOR JUST ONE THING! ;)

NERAL - I'M NOT NERUL :X

PAREL - THE 'LOWER' THE BETTER!

DADAR - DREADED, SINCE TIMES IMMEMORIAL 

KURLA - MAA KA DOODH PIYA HAI, TOH UTAR KE DIKHA!

GOVANDI - A STINKY STORY!

 

CST (V.T.) - ST. XAVIER'S, HOT CHICKS AND LEOPOLD, WE'VE GOT IT ALL!

 BADLAPUR - WAITING FOR THAT VARUN DHAWAN MOVIE!

~ Sushant Singh Bhatia

“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you. 

And then they attack you and want to burn you. 

And then, they build monuments to you!”

As Delhi gears up for elections, 'Farjiwal', 'Fekriwal', 'AK-49', 'Bhagoda' (and some of our trademark Hindi abusive words which never cease to evolve, each time they are mentioned) gears up for another session of mockery!

The last Lok Sabha Election, was a trendsetter. Facebook, Twitter was flooded with updates of our inked fingers. Voting and knowing whom to vote for, was suddenly in vogue! In a first of its kind, not only did the country vote, but also chose a majority, a rarity in a democracy like ours! Delhi had all of a sudden, found a Messiah! A ‘one-stop’ solution to all its woes…

In 1989, Arvind Kejriwal returned home, from his final year at IIT-Kharagpur, with just the clothes that he was wearing and the residue of money left, from what he had set aside for his return journey. Everything else he owned, was given to charity. Even today, all that his party has, is a group of naive supporters, who feel a change is still possible – that of clean governance, of ‘poorna-swaraj’. Isn’t this what we had always desired?

49 days into the government, he betrayed the unconditional trust placed in him and quit the government. A ‘Messiah’ 49 days ago, saw his effigies, all round the country, the 50^th day onwards! Strange country ours is, isn’t it? We love to hate, the ‘Harbinger’ of hope and change. That very Bhagoda, who brought voting in vogue! His solid academic IIT, IRS background, which once was his effervescence, now irks the country, as they supposedly proudly see a ‘Chaiwala’ doing better than an IITian!

He certainly is, and has been naive, reckless, immature with his decisions, but apologized and learnt from them, rather than simply exclaiming – “Is desh ka kuch nahin ho sakta”. Doesn’t he deserve forgiveness? At least once?

Afterall, “ Subah ka bhoola, jab sham ko ghar aaye, toh use bhoola (‘Bhagoda’) nahin kehte! ”

When Kejriwal resigned, he sought an extension to stay in his C-II/23 Tilak Lane home (due to his daughter’s board exams and entrance tests) for which he was charged Rs. 85,000 a month as rent. Surely nothing wrong with that.

An interesting RTI plea reply, the same month reveals that 36 ex-ministers, including B.J.P. biggies - L.K. Advani, Sushma Swaraj, Arun Jaitley, listed as unauthorized occupants, had gone scot-free!

Surprisingly, amidst the pandemonium, Harshita, Kejriwal’s daughter, not only managed a brilliant 96% in her boards, but also qualified for the IITs with an AIR # 3322. Apparently, Kejriwal was lodged in jail, in connection with the Gadkari defamation case, the very same day his daughter wrote the IIT entrance exam.

On Dec 23^rd, when Kejriwal announced his government in Delhi, his son Pulkit and daughter Harshita exclaimed to Mail Today,

“HUMAARE PAPA MEIN BOHOT DUM HAI !” 

  Let’s not prove a ‘Father’ wrong.

 Let’s not prove India wrong! 

                                        

                                                                                        -        Sushant Singh Bhatia

(Inspired by AAP's website and AAP of course!)

                                                                      

Source

While men have their trademark “Tu jaanta nahin mai kaun hoon” / “Aukaat mein reh beta” / “Ek lagaun kya kaan ke neeche”, women manage it with “Sandal utaroon kya?” / “Ghar mein Maa-Behen nahin hai kya?”

At first, we had Adam and Eve, graduated to Male and Female, 377 added Gays, Lesbians, Homo/Hetero/Metros and then came philosophies for their equality.

Which could be aptly summed up as :

Adam -> Eve -> Male/Female ->  Gays, Lesbians, Homo/hetero/metros -> Rapes -> More Rapes -> Feminism -> Adam teasing -> Rohtak Girls -> Menism!

I’m glad I do not believe in either of the two philosophies.

What I believe in is ‘Humanism’.

The other day, I was standing in queue at the ticket counter of a Railway Station in Mumbai, when I came across a lady, probably in her late twenties, approaching a man, just about to have his turn, at the ticket counter. All she requested him, was for a ticket for her, while buying his own. What followed came as no surprise to me. The man happily obliged and handed over the ticket to her, blushing away to glory, only to hear the politest “Thank You” of his life!

No protests, no objections raised, no questions asked. Why?

I guess we all know the answer.

The very same day, I grabbed my ticket from the counter (Just mine, I repeat!) and boarded, what probably was the most crowded train of my life till date – Kurla to Vashi. Soon, a man managed to board the train (God knows how) with a lady, who seemed to be his wife and managed to shield her, with both his arms at one corner, near the standees. And then, something very usual happened. The train was galloping its way towards Vashi, when a man lost his balance only to break the protective shield and protrude into the ‘Trespassers will be prosecuted’ territory!

The verbal spat that followed, is not the topic of my discussion. Now, just for a second, imagine the same man, boarding the same train, with the same wife, but in the ‘Ladies’ compartment this time. Whether he would emerge alive or dead, is probably a tougher question, than the GDP growth of India next year!

Image Source

Feminism, at least as it claims to be, is for equal rights to men and women and so is Menism. But, Ours is a country, where we’d offer a seat to a hot chic, who boards the ‘Gents’ compartment of a Railway train, rather than to a Senior citizen, but bash up a man, if he has the audacity to board the Ladies’! Where, we’d happily buy tickets for an ‘Abla Naari’, who very conveniently uses her ‘Ablapan’ to get her job done, but abuse a man, if he joins his friend in the queue!

So where’s the equality?

The purpose of my write up is certainly not to play an M.C.P. and preach. In fact, I’m a firm believer of Kate Nash’s philosophy –

“Feminism is not a dirty word. It does not mean you hate men, it does not mean you hate girls who have nice legs and a tan and it does not mean you are a ‘bitch’ or a ‘dyke’, It means you believe in equality.”

The purpose is, to understand the concept of ‘Humanism’, which simply means equality in all regards. It’s about respecting women, to be equal to men.

So that the next time, a girl is touched in public, we all stop it right there, nip it in the bud, rather than standing there as mute spectators!

So that the next time, when a bunch of ragamuffin bimbos bash up a group of innocuous men, India speaks up and gets them arrested right away!

That’s ‘Humanism’ !!!

It’s not for nothing that they say ,

“Feminists hate it, when men treat them, the way they treat other men”

Think about it!

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-  Sushant Singh Bhatia

‘Boost’ can neither be created, nor destroyed. It can only be converted from

one form to another. The total amount of ‘Boost’ in the Universe, always

remains constant.  That’s Law of Conservation of Energy – because - 

“Boost is the secret of my Energy”

...until recently, was the only thing synonymous with the ‘Lil Master’ until he ‘Played it his way’ and openly criticized the former Indian Coach – 

‘He who must not be named’

All of a sudden, former cricketers, current cricketers and commentators alike joined the bandwagon, following suit. So, here’s faking news’ perspective on the future implications of  Sachin’s Autobio ‘greg’ phy –

‘Playing it Greg’s Way!’

 It wasn't me who slapped Sreesanth, it was the ‘Hand of Greg’

-  Bhajji

Greg Chappell introduced me to DLF.

               -  Damaad Vadra

Greg Chappell is an Ambani Agent.

                                           -  AK49 (If you know what I mean)

Greg Chappell and I, are just ‘Cricket Enthusiasts’

                       - Dhoni Pitamah ‘Srini’

Greg Chappell ko ‘OLX’ pe bech do.

-  Flipkart

Greg Chappell took my Father away!

-  Haider

 Greg Chappell taught me how to speak.

                      -  Dr. Manmohan Singh

                                       

Bhaiyya ko bachpan se ‘banane’ ka shauk tha, aur mujhe ‘girane’ ka!

          -  Greg Chappell

Greg Chappell is a stupid ‘Boron’

    -   A Chemist

                                        

Nevertheless, wishing you all a ‘Merry Christmas’and a

 ‘Phosphorus’  New Year!

                                                                                       - Sushant Singh Bhatia

                                     

         

idiot

Pronunciation: ` I – de - at (usually offensive)

noun informal
- a stupid person.

synonyms:
fool, ass, halfwit, nincompoop, blockhead, dunce, dolt, ignoramus,cretin,imbecile, dullard, moron, simpleton, clod.

Wonder if our dictionaries too are censored. Why else would they have defined idiots using just about a dozen harmless words…? Given a chance we would have liked to add a few choice words of our own. But since idiots seem to multiply faster than rabbits on Viagra, it would take me a century to introduce you to the entire species. So, in public interest, I’d stick to those, that affect us the most – those likely to give you a free pass to your own funeral…

TYPE 1:  THE EARPHONE/HEADPHONE CLAD IDIOT 

 

‘Eminem’ caps and ‘Metallica’ tees are not the only indication…you find them moderately dressed too. I kid you not! With their fist made ‘V’s and ‘U’s swaying to their hard rock tunes, they are transported to their whole new pseudo world, only to be rudely awakened by an indignant pedestrian. That’s when you know what you’re up against. The only remedy I suggest is a Christ’s Smile – Forgive them, coz they don’t know what they’re up to…

TYPE 2 : THE ‘TO DO OR NOT TO DO’ IDIOT 

Should I have a Blueberry cheesecake or a pancake for dessert? Will I ever get the right girl? Mutual funds or SIPs?

There is certainly no harm in thinking about your life. But trying such stunts during peak hour traffic ?? That’s a clear sign you’ve come across a ‘To do or not to do’ type of idiot… and as you screech to a halt, all you can do, hope and pray is that you don’t break anything more than his chain of thoughts…

TYPE 3 : THE DEPRIVED IDIOT 

 

There are a few things in life we don’t have the liberty to choose – like our parents, our names or even the schools we go to, to name a few…And the same goes for this guy (oops! Idiot) who’d been forced to spend his puberty in an ‘all boys’ school with nothing but a few Magazines (and hands of course) for company. How else would you explain a grown-up, forcing you to stop dead in your tracks, just to admire a member of the opposite sex?? And just when he chooses to make your life on the road as deplorable as his teens, he jumps straight into my list!

TYPE 4 : THE ‘I KNOW IT ALL’ IDIOT 

He, who considers himself no lesser verb than ‘Google’, the ‘I know it all’ Idiot….With an in-built Encyclopaedia, he always has an answer, an opinion on everything under the Sun. Be it the latest gadgets and gizmos or the current happenings, he is one Bimbo, who can easily and very confidently take you for a ride. Be it misguiding you to board a wrong bus or wrong directions, these ‘Omnipresent’ species are undoubtedly the toughest to identify..!

TYPE 5 : THE ‘LOUUV LORN’ IDIOT !

He hides like a Trojan on your FB friends list and has the greatest of all hassles in life…This ‘Devdas’ of sorts who seems perennially disinterested from the materialistic world, seeks solace only in the dreams of his ‘khwaabon ki mallika’…An idiot for some, an entertainer for the rest, he is one specimen you've gotta watch out for!

And, it doesn't quite end here. But, it does give you the hope to bear with them, being well-versed with their commonest types. As Einstein aptly puts it “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former”. Trust me, you’ll find them packed like sardines in a tin, here, there and everywhere and as a TV commercial aptly puts it ,

 “Our streets are filled with idiots, isn't it?”

“Haan haan main crazy hoon” – some would protest..!

-  Sushant Singh Bhatia.

Inspired by CEAT’s ‘Our streets are filled with idiots’ campaign.